Valleys and Troughs

Add some catastrophe to your glass with Titanic ice cubes.

We're always on the lookout for a novel way to spruce up an ordinary cocktail, and we may have found just the thing for the holiday season. The above ice cubes - sold as a tray, as ice-cube molds generally are, and shaped to resemble the titanic and the iceberg that sunk her - have been made available by a company in the UK to much hand-wringing and eyebrow-raising, and other things British people do to show they're upset without actually expressing any emotion.

Titanic historian Brian Ticehurst has gone so far as to suggest the product is akin to making light of the September 11 terrorist attacks.

'They are distasteful, hundreds of people died in the tragedy,' he said. 'How long will it be before this firm makes ice cubes of the Twin Towers to commemorate 9/11?'

First: there are still Titanic historians? Hasn't it been pretty much covered by now? Plus wasn't this like a hundred years ago? If James Cameron can move on, the rest of us should be able to do the same, and we personally feel that nothing can quite be defined as tasteless when it's sole purpose is to be consumed with alcohol. As for ice cubes shaped like the twin towers, we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Christ. Valley?

via dailymail.co.uk

Things we didn't know we needed: disposable flasks.

It's happened to all of us. You show up at a minor-league baseball game with a water bottle full of Everclear, only to find out at the gate that you have to throw it out before you're allowed in. TROUGH. Okay that may have only happened to us, but we're sure most of you, if you're sufficiently free-wheeling and light of heart, have had similar experiences. This overwhelmingly stodgy and stifling society in which we find ourselves immersed necessitates a little creative thinking from time to time regarding drunkenness and the most efficacious means of achieving said drunkenness in a public and possibly inappropriate place:

Enter the Disposable Flask ($15/set of 3). These 7.5 oz. reusable foil pouches are portable, freezable, pocketable, and easily disposable, and feature airtight plastic lids that won't leave tell-tale leakage marks on your clothes.

Well there's not much for us to say about these. Available from Restoration Hardware, of all places, the idea is pretty straightforward and the execution beats the hell out of the old ziploc-bag-taped-to-your-gut routine, which works about as well as it sounds like it would. We aren't sure why it's taken so long for these things to be made, or at least for us to be made aware of their existence, but we have seldom come across an item we didn't know we needed as badly as we do. God bless the internet.

VALLEY

via geekologie

The future is now: vodka pills.

If there's one issue we have with vodka, it's that it takes so much damn work to get you drunk. Sitting there, holding a glass, raising it to your mouth - we're breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it... beautiful, beautiful vodka. Anyhow the Russians, in their tireless dedication to free us from the tyrannical oppression of functioning livers, have opened up a new and long-envisioned frontier in the quest to get hammered into oblivion with minimal possible effort: vodka pills.

Russian professor Evgeny Moskalev of Saint Petersburg Technological University has evolved a technique that allows turning alcohol into powder and packing it in pills. The new technique can solidify any kind of alcohol, including whisky, cognac, wine and beer.

Apparently this alcoholic powder can essentially be carried around in just about any kind of container and through a just-add-water technique will turn an ordinary beverage into an opportunity to be drunk at Starbucks at 11 AM. Professor Moskalev points out that it will likely be years before anything like this is actually available to the consumer (which always seems to be the case with products that are mind-shatteringly awesome) but we have to hand it to the Russians on this one anyway. They took something they were already the best in the world at, and elevated it to a totally new level. Well done, sirs. Well done indeed.

VALLEY, big time.

via TimesofIndia

Nightcap of the night.

Manhattan

3 oz. Scotch
Splash sweet vermouth

As the overconsumptive malaise of Thanksgiving begins to mercifully wear away, we find we need something of a palate cleanser. And what better way to eradicate the lingering residue of shame and gastrointestinal duress that comes with about five thousand calories too many than with that most stately and reserved of cocktails: the Manhattan (being named after the greatest city in the world doesn't hurt). The important thing here is the Scotch, and there's really only one suitable option for those of us with limited means - Johnny Walker Black. For about $30 one gets a singular Scotch well-regarded even by the kinds of people who generally make you feel bad about what you're drinking (which people's opinions we wish we didn't respect, but find we sort of do, though grudgingly) and you won't be disappointed with the finished product. So loosen up, throw a cherry in there, and sidle up by the fireplace, if you happen to have one. The holidays are officially upon us; we could all use a little lifting of spirits.

VALLEY

Nightcap of the night.

The Greyhound 2.0

2 oz. vodka
Splash of wine (red or white)
Balance grapefruit

We've all (likely) had screwdrivers, but sometimes orange juice is just a little too... breakfasty for a serious drink. Replacing the OJ with grapefruit juice will retain the citrusy kick while incorporating a unique flavor used in hardly any other cocktails. We like to add a healthy splash of wine (try red, white - there is no wrong way to do this) to temper the edge slightly. And if you're looking for something that will really go down smooth, muddle a couple cherries in the glass old-fashioned-style for a tangy-sweet flavor that will never disappoint. That's our guarantee.

VALLEY

Men: alcohol will save your life.

We have long touted the myriad of benefits associated with a stiff drink, and we're hardly alone in this matter. Nothing takes the edge off the inexorable tedium of crawling out of bed every day quite like a cocktail or three. Yet we're all familiar with the nay-sayers, the malcontents out there who invariably try to talk us out of that lunch-hour Georgia Iced Tea. Thanks to a groundbreaking new study, though, it looks like they'll be sidling up next to us for an early happy hour, if they want to live. From the BBC:

Drinking alcohol every day cuts the risk of heart disease in men by more than a third, a major study suggests ... The Spanish research involving more than 15,500 men and 26,000 women found large quantities of alcohol could be even more beneficial for men.

Unfortunately the benefits inexplicably don't extend to the frailer sex, and of course the article goes on to warn that heavy drinking is still responsible for a number of health problems, or something to that effect. We can't care. The important thing to keep in mind is that we are now totally vindicated in our 1:1 ratio of weekends-to-bottles-of-Ketel-One. So gentleman, the next time you find yourself ordering a Johnny on the rocks, make it a double. Your heart will thank you.

VALLEY

Nightcap of the night.

GIN AND TONIC

2 oz. gin
Balance with tonic
Garnish with (generous) lime wedge

A time-honored classic, and an instant favorite. Not much here but the pine-clawed bite of the UK's finest export and the medicinal clout of the tonic. We prefer Hendrick's, distilled in Scotland, for its singular infusion of flavors and spices.

First is a lovely hint of Bulgarian Rose, which is extracted by gently pressing essential oils from the petals. Next comes the coup de grace — Cucumber, the essence of which is obtained by mashing the fresh fruit, then mixing the pulp with cold water.

This initiates a slow infusion process that extracts the essential subtle flavours, which are then painstakingly infused into the spirit, one small batch at a time.

If anyone knows their way around a bottle it's a Scotsman, and the effort shows. Hendrick's elevates a simple cocktail like a gin and tonic from the mundane to the sublime. And make sure you squeeze the lime into the glass - really squeeze it, get the pulp in there with the ice and stir it around. Far too often it's left to languish on the rim of the glass or dropped carelessly in, contrary to its purpose.

VALLEY

Nightcap of the night.

The White Russian.

2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Kahlua
Splash of half & half

As with any cocktail, one can find countless slightly varying recipes floating around wherever one looks for such things, but we like to think this is how the Dude takes it. The vodka is mainly in there to do the heavy lifting, as it's the Kahlua and half & half - not milk, never milk - that gives the White Russian its milkshakey goodness. Shake it up and strain over ice; repeat.

VALLEY