Valleys and Troughs

Does east coast snow dispel Al Gore's "hysterical global warming theories" once and for all?

Global warming, like so many hot-button issues, just can't be simple. On the one hand we've just witnessed the close of the hottest decade ever recorded by man, while on the other it's winter and thus marginally cold outside, leading many to justly question the validity of all the climate change talk that folks just can't seem to ignore in peace. Incidentally in the past year North America was the only continent to actually experience cooler temperatures - which fact alarmists will try to manipulate to explain why so many Americans aren't willing to swallow the pill:

That is no doubt one reason why Americans — or at least conservative Americans — have grown in skepticism this year: They have been bombarded with anti-scientific disinformation on “global cooling,” while at the same time failing to personally experience a very warm year.

But is it really so wrong to be a skeptic? A decent-sized portion of the east coast of the United States has just been shaken to its core by record-setting snowfall. Surely you've heard of the snowpocalypse? Or maybe snowmageddon? True to form our elected officials are wasting no time in embracing the opportunity to take some long overdue pot-shots at - who else? - Al Gore. From CBSNews:

Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.), the top Republican on the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee, also got in on the fun. He and his family built an igloo in Washington and adorned it with cardboard signs reading "Al Gore's new home" and "Honk if you [heart] global warming."

Riveting stuff. We certainly understand the inclination to [heart] global warming, and don't feel as though one should be persecuted for one's beliefs. Climate change apologists will wring their hands and cite "facts" and "research" to impress upon us the idea that this event is essentially, utterly, indisputably meaningless, but certain among us remain unconvinced. Like Sean Hannity, the Voice of the People:

Yes. Al Gore and, moreover, the Kennedy's and their flying saucers, have for too long dominated American discourse on climate change with their hysterics and their theories. We can't speak for anyone other than ourselves, but we're thankful that this discussion is still ongoing. After all, it's not as if we're running out of time.

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This is how the World Ends.

From ctrl+alt+del comes artist Tim Buckley's vision of the apocalypse: a pirate robot fighting a ninja zombie riding a t-rex. Yep. That pretty much covers everything.

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Horrible things lurking at the bottom of the ocean filmed, for whatever reason.

That's an oarfish, and lucky for the clowns in the picture, it's a dead one. Up until now this is the only way these things have been seen, either washed up on shore or floating belly-up in the waves. But scientists working in the Gulf of Mexico have captured what is believed to be the first footage of the oarfish, which can reach lengths of 17 meters - that's 55 feet to us non-metric users; go ahead, do the math - alive and in its natural habitat. Namely, the bottom of the ocean. The footage was recorded by a remotely operated vehicle, or ROV, under the direction of Mark Benfield of Louisiana State University working in conjunction with, of all people, a group of oil companies "such as BP, Shell, Chevron and Petrobras working in the Gulf of Mexico." Filming in the vicinity of an offshore oil platform, Benfield caught footage of the oarfish purely by chance:

"We saw this bright vertical shiny thing, I said 'are they lowering more riser?' as it looked like they were lowering a huge pipe."
"We zoomed in a little bit and we said 'that's not a riser that's a fish!'"
"As we approached it retreated downwards swimming tail first in a vertical orientation as the ROV followed," Professor Benfield explained.

The BBC has the story as well as the video, which might as well be the inside of somebody's fish tank, as clear as it is. Still, we can't help but be moved, and not in a pleasant way, by a development such as this. We've always been wary of what lies hidden in the murky depths of " target="_blank">the ocean, and the knowledge that fifty-foot fish that "provided the basis for the sea serpent myths told by early ocean travellers" are swimming around down there doesn't exactly set our minds at ease. For more along these lines, see this chart, also by BBC, illustrating the various monstrosities populating the seafloor or "beyond the abyss," as they choose to call it. Keep an eye out for favorites like the hairy angler, below:

Yeah. Pretty much the stuff of nightmares. As always, we will think long and hard before we step foot into that ocean again.

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Wolverines not long for this earth, if you believe in all that global warming malarkey.

We're all familiar with Marvel's rendition of Wolverine. That's a given. Superhuman healing factor, retractable claws, adamantium-infused skeleton and a once-promising but since-tarnished film portrayal by Hugh Jackman. A solid argument could be made that he's Marvel's most fearsome and tenacious hero. Unfortunately his namesake hasn't enjoyed as much success of late. Scientists (who seem only to bombard us with news that makes us feel bad, always) have announced findings that indicate wolverine populations are dwindling due to the decrease in snowfall brought on by warmer temperatures.

Research shows wolverine numbers are falling across North America. Their decline has been linked to less snow settling as a result of climate change.

The study is the first to show a decline in the abundance of any land species due to vanishing snowpack.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. Not for one of nature's most feared and respected predators. Not that any creature deserves to suffer the effects of human-induced climate change (yes, despite the sentiments of the average American, we are still acting on the presumption that climate change is actually happening), but the wolverine? The inspiration for maybe the most badass fictional character of all time? It takes a particularly disconnected and almost willfully ignorant populace for news like this to skitter by as a BBC News sidetab. We like to think we shrink from proselytizing, but the endangerment of a species that not only represents everything that is wild about the wilderness but has also engendered Weapon fucking X is almost too much to swallow. We're surprised Sarah Palin isn't shooting them from a helicopter as we speak. If only there existed a band of costumed mutant do-gooders whose sole raison d'etre revolved around setting to rights wrongs such as these. Unfortunately we can look only to ourselves on this one. For shame.

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via BBC

UPDATE: Norwegian mystery light show still unexplained.

Not all that long ago we posted about the mystery light spiral that has captured (some) global attention since it appeared inexplicably in the night sky.

A blue light first appeared from behind a mountain, and created a giant spiral in the sky within seconds. Perhaps even more baffling, a green-blue beam of light appeared to shoot from the center. The entire display remained in the sky for a good ten to twelve minutes--enough time for photographers across Norway to shoot hundreds of images and capture video.

At the time it was explained away by some news agencies as a failed Russian missile test, but the Russians, who we're sure are perfectly trustworthy in situations such as these, have denied conducting any such tests. And while that's still the most likely scenario according to most opinions held by the sorts of people who sit around trying to figure these things out, other possibilities include a falling meteor or perhaps the first sign of the apocalypse. Either way, we'll continue to monitor the situation with as much attention as we can spare. Which, believe it or not, is not as much as you might think. Check out the incredibly poor-quality yet still marginally-disturbing video below for an idea of what the beginning of the end of the world will look like, when filmed with a handheld digital camera.

via popsci

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World needs to start worrying about Octopuses now, too.

We always keep a wary eye on the animal kingdom, especially that enormous portion of it that dwells in the murky depths of the sea. If there is a place on earth from which our doom will come, we feel pretty confident that it'll be the bottom of the ocean. Especially when Octopuses begin to use tools:

Humans living on the Indonesian coast frequently discard halved coconut shells in the ocean, and it turns out that their eight-legged neighbors have been making use of them. Researchers have filmed veined octopi, Amphioctopus marginatus, moving the shell halves by placing their bodies inside the hollowed-out portion, draping their legs over the edges, and bringing the shells along for the ride. When the coconut-carrying octopus feels threatened, it will pull the half shell over its body (or sometimes pulls two halves of a whole coconut over itself), and wait inside their armored home until the threat passes.

This is the first time that researchers have observed tool-use in an invertebrate species, or so the internets tell us, and we're inclined to believe them. This may seem like a trivial development, but bear in mind that it wasn't so long ago on the evolutionary timeline that we ourselves were hitting each other over the heads with rocks and probably using coconut-halves for body armor. Coupled with dolphins evolving opposable thumbs, we feel safe in saying that it is never too early to panic.

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via io9

Mystery Norway spiral really failed Russian missile test, if you're inclined to believe that sort of thing.

The explaining-away of inexplicable phenomena with euphemistic devices such as weather balloons or in this case a failed Russian Bulava missile launch entered into the realm of tired cliché long ago. Still, we have a pretty hard time swallowing the news that the above enormous, glowing spiral that appeared last night in the sky above Norway (justifiably panicking onlookers who believed it was at the very least a UFO and quite possibly a sign of the apocalypse) was simply the result of said failed Russian missile test. From the NYTimes:

"It has been established ... that the missile's first two stages worked as normal, but there was a technical malfunction at the next, third, stage of the trajectory," a Defense Ministry spokesman said.
Norwegian experts reported sighting of phenomena in the atmosphere near the White Sea, where earlier Bulava rockets were fired, the Kommersant and Vedomosti newspapers reported.

We are hard-pressed to think of a person whose excuse we're less likely to believe in this situation than a Russian Defense Ministry spokesman. Those guys have been lying to us since we invented a way to ask them what the hell was going on over there. And it's not as though news of Russia blasting nuclear-deterrent missiles into the stratosphere is entirely encouraging either. But for us it's about, as always, the possibilities. It's hard to get a sense of the face-melting awe that would accompany stepping into the street and actually seeing something like this, and we often feel that if we did, our lives would never be the same. We leave you to sift through the story as it develops, but for our part we will be keeping an anxious eye on the horizon, as always.

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photo via Discovery

MIT to rework robot apocalypse from the ground up.

We can't stress enough how frustrated we are that the future is taking so long to get here. So we tend to applaud the efforts of pretty much anyone working to realize the visions we were promised in our youth, which have largely existed only fictionally to date. And yet we are not without scruple; we understand that certain pursuits are almost destined to bring about our own destruction. Turns out MIT, which heads the Mind Machine Project, has no such reservations:

After 50 years and countless dead ends, incremental progress, and modest breakthroughs, artificial intelligence researchers are asking for a do-over. The $5 million Mind Machine Project (MMP), a patchwork team of two dozen academics, students and researchers, intends to go back to the discipline's beginnings, rebuilding the field from the ground up. With 20/20 hindsight, a few generations worth of experience, and better, faster technology, this time researchers in AI -- an ambiguous field to begin with -- plan to get things right.

They plan to get things right. Awesome. Sounds bulletproof to us. We can't manufacture a printer that consistently just works and these clowns are giving themselves five years to build a robot that can read children's books. What could possibly go wrong? At least President Obama, for one, is prepared to do what is necessary. Man, we love that guy.

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via popsci

UPDATE: killer seals real, more or less.

Last week we brought to your attention a story from Russia involving that nation's attempt to catch up with the U.S. in the pivotally important marine-mammal arms race. Really. Gennady Matishov, director of the Murmansk Marine Biology Institute in northern Russia, explained his country's desire to match America's prowess in the intricate dance that is dropping seals out of helicopters. This story was certain to raise a lot of eyebrows, ours especially, and thanks to some good old-fashioned investigative reporting by the folks at NPR, we have some answers:

"It is true that the U.S. military does employ teams of dolphins and sea lions," Noah Shachtman says. He's an editor for Wired Magazine and runs its military technology blog, "Danger Room."

They take on two roles, Shachtman says. "One is to look for underwater mines, and the other is that marine mammals are used to patrol certain U.S. bases to watch out for the very unlikely event of a terrorist swimmer attack."

Looking for underwater mines? The very unlikely event of a terrorist swimmer attack? Something's not adding up here. The Russians claim they have a seal that can incapacitate or even kill an enemy diver, and we're owning up to having dolphins with cameras strapped to their fins?

Impressive, to be sure. but we're not willing to be duped here. This thing has its roots in the Cold War, and those roots stretch deep into the danger and mystique lurking among the alien depths of the ocean floor. Something tells us it will be a long time before we have any real answers, but that doesn't mean we'll stop searching. Somewhere out there, somebody knows the truth.

And lest you think the convergence of sea animals and helicopters a trifling matter, we present you with maybe the least-thrilling action sequence ever filmed. At least it has inspired us to always be carrying shark-repellant Batspray:

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End of the world to occur in 2020, not 2012.

Intel scientists are hellbent on integrating the human mind with computer chips, and they plan to do it by 2020. While we long for a world more akin to the one we were promised in our youth (ie: flying cars, jet packs, pretty much anything revolving around personal flight) we are still pretty unsettled by this. Seems like there's potential for a lot to go wrong. And Intel isn't the only group pursuing this avenue:

Plenty of other researchers have also tinkered in this area. Toyota recently demoed a wheelchair controlled with brainwaves, and University of Utah researchers have created a wireless brain transmitter that allows monkeys to control robotic arms.

There are still more implications to creating a seamless brain interface, besides having more cyborgs running around. If scientists can translate brain waves into specific actions, there's no reason they could not create a virtual world with a full spectrum of activity tied to those brain waves. That's right -- we're seeing Matrix creep.

Let us reiterate that we fully support mankind's efforts to realize a world in which, for starters, we're not driving cars that operate on the same basic principle on which the Model T was conceived. But monkeys controlling robotic arms? Have we lost all sense of perspective regarding our own self-preservation? We hate to sound like alarmists, but this is disconcerting at best. We are essentially ensuring that the advent of an apocalyptic future be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It would be great to do away with the tedium of actually having to move one's hand in order to waste time on the internet, but this smacks of flying too close to the sun. We, at least, will spend the next decade stocking up on canned foods and small-arms ordnance.

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via popsci